Dirty Dictionary

Yay! A WalMart dictionary with real meaning!

10 Foot Rule – a sworn oath to smile, make eye contact, greet and offer help when within ten feet of a customer.  usually results in a fervent prayer by the associate not to be noticed.

Action Alley – the big aisles that run between departments and behind the checkout lanes

Assembly – a.k.a. enigma.  this person is responsible for putting together bikes, grills and furniture at the customer’s request.  they never seem to be in the store, and if you came to pick up your assembled item, it wont be ready because no one bothered to tell them you needed it done!  also in charge of fixing everything that breaks in the store.

Assistant Manager – with the new rotating schedule system, they work about six months out of the year.  can be found by walking to the rear offices and fetching them.  do not page them or use a walkie.  both systems are on a frequency they can’t hear.  these are the most stressed out people in the entire operation once forced out on the floor. easy to pick out of the crowd when you look for the tell-tale brown nose.

Associate – what WalMart calls its employees to their faces

Blitz (aka. Black Friday) – the day after Thanksgiving when people get trampled trying to score Christmas gifts

Cart Pusher – see “Stockman“.

CBLs – computer based learning, or the world’s cheesiest collection of brainwashing training materials. ever. you will waste hours completing these or personnel chases you out in to the parking lot.

Code: – a color-assigned system WalMart uses to make pages over the loudspeaker so customers don’t know what they’re paging about.  codes are usually used to alert associates of some type of emergency situation without sending customers into panic.

Coaching – a friendly term for being written up for everything from wearing a nose ring to working .03 hours past your schedule.

CSM/CSS – customer service manager/supervisor.  can be seen frantically running from one side of the registers to the other, screaming into a walkie.   carries a loudly beeping palm pilot.  often times seen standing around gabbing while ignoring the stares of needy cashiers and customers.  depends on the store.

Department Manager – becoming a rare breed now, these poor guys get all the blame from the Zone Managers and pass it on to the floor associates.

Dress Code – don’t you dare call it a uniform!  the navy blue polos you must buy from personnel and the khaki/beige pants you must don.  once they have your $3 you can go about finding your own navy/beige combos from other sources. 

Fitting Room – where customers go to get naked and steal stuff.  generally attended by very nasty women who are also responsible for answering the stores phones.

Fully Vested – after six years of service, you are entitled to your own money if you should get up the courage to leave.

GM – refers to general merchandise/non-food area of the store

GR – refers to the grocery/food side of the store

Maintenance – responsible for house-keeping.  don’t know why they’re called maintenance, they don’t fix a damned thing.  most likely doesn’t speak a lick of English, and if they don’t, then THEY are the lowest paid people in the store.  oh, and they’re tired of cleaning up after grown adults who defacate all over the toilet seats and leave condoms in the fitting rooms.

Open Door Policy – intended to give an associate false hope that he/she will be heard by a supervisor.  fairness and confidentiality are optional.

Overscheduled – the extra hours worked as demanded by a supervisor that go beyond your posted schedule.  you will be coached if you don’t cut them.  even if your store manager said it was ok.

Overtime – hours worked beyond 40 per week, in which case you will be forced to cut them by the end of the pay period.  therefore, overtime does not exist as they see it.

People Greeter – the person sleeping somewhere near the entrance/exit areas. 

Racetrack – The four alleys that surround GM and GR, forming a square lap.  also where you will find all the angry people.  besides the service desk.

Red Book – an internal investigation in to the behavior of an associate that the company was likely trying to get rid of in the first place.  favoritism determines the depth of said investigation as it does the action/inaction.  usually results in someone getting fired for doing something that their supervisor does on a regular basis.

Stockman (a.k.a. cart pusher) – the most helpless position in the store.  usually mentally unstable or it’s their first “real” job.  be extra nice to these poor guys during ugly weather because the managers could care less about his/her well being.  the lowest paid position in the store.  besides maintenance.

Servant Leadership – WalMarts go- get’em practice that ensures the managers are out there in the “trenches” alongside their associates.  and by “out in the trenches” we mean in the back office gossiping and telling politically incorrect jokes and sipping flavored coffees.

Store Manager – also found in the rear office, he/she can be heard playing pass the buck on the walkies.  and don’t forget their uncanny ability to play their managers against each other to obtain information.  staunch supporters of favoritism and ass-kissing.

Support Manager – the most confusing spot to have in the entire store.  also known as scapegoats.

Vacation Time – painstakingly accrued hours earned by an associate who will only be able to use them between February and April, unless your inventory falls during that time.  in which case, you might as well forget it.  you cannot use them during July-September BTS (back to school), October through December (holiday season) January (return season) or May – June when it’s just super busy because the weather is so gosh darned nice.  Oh, and only if they have coverage for your area during the time of the request.

Walkie – useless communication tool usually found clipped to a manager’s ass.  mostly, the managers use them to play “pass the buck” when whey don’t want to leave the office.  always tuned a frequency they can’t seem to hear, which never stops the hourlys from urgently pleading in to them for help.

Zone Manager – In charge of multiple departments and department managers, these folks are being bred to become the next wave of assistant managers.  they answer directly to the assistant managers and are usually in it for the pay increase.  that, or they just don’t know any better.  has many robot-like qualities.